Pain can easily go away if you ignore it. But it’ll always be there. I try my hardest to ignore my pain. But for some odd reason I couldn’t tonight. I looked at the pictures. Something I haven’t done in a while. + I lost control of my emotions + just started balling… I regret looking at them because I know it’s not going to help. But the memories we had together just make me smile yet hurt.
I know 6 months isn’t a lot. But when it’s day in day out with the person. They start to become a part of you. A part you can’t ignore. A part you’ll never forget. Especially when it’s your first love. I’ve told people before that I’ve loved them but I meant it with him. Even what 3.5 months after the break up. I know I loved him. I can’t say that I do now. It’s hard even typing that in here because I don’t know if I’ve thought it through correctly. Let’s just leave that as the unknown.
But man do I miss his goofiness, his hair, gauges, hands. I miss the way he would always correct me. Or yell at me for driving a little fast.
I keep tearing up…telling myself to keep my composure right now, when sometimes we all just need a moment to let out all that we’ve been holding in. It’s been so long that I haven’t cried about him. So long…It surprises me actually. To see how strong I am.
What hurts the most…the memories. Knowing that I won’t create anymore with him. Those memories will always be a part of me that I’m never going to forget. + even though I don’t know if I love him or not. I know he’ll hold a special place in my heart.
My fear…is that I’ll look pathetic to everyone for still caring about him. I just don’t want to look weak or dumb. I had to let this out some how. Someone on tumblr should understand :)